Written by John Campbell
We want reviews like fists.
YOUR AVERAGE GAME REVIEW CREATION, APPLIED TO A KITTEN
Here kitty kitty. Get over here you little rat. Now get comfortable, I'm going to review you. This is your new cat, right Billy? Right. I'm going to review your cat, Billy, doesn't that sound like fun? Don't contradict me, Billy.
It's all very simple and for me, it's painless. What's your cat's name, Billy? Ashes? Ha ha, that's cute, because the kitty's gray. Yes, you're very creative, Billy. Now stop speaking.
I should probably open up with some grand statement about cats in general, or at least this particular type of cat. I know: "Remember those two stray cats that lived behind the drug store and made those diseased mewling noises? Well, now they've spawned some skeletal progeny and the McAllisters have taken one of them as their own. Does it live up to its dubious genetics? Read on to find out."
Oh, it's good already. I used big words. Now all that's left is to describe and assign number values to each portion of the cat. This will be fun, right Billy? Numbers can easily represent the value of a living thing, right Billy? Now hold down Ashes while I cut off things and quantify their worth.
Whoa, whoa, Billy. Now you're all down on the review process? Don't you understand? At the end I'm going to have one number that will sum up your cat's innate value! Stop crying, Billy, and bring me an axe.